We here at freestyle blogging are dedicated to bringing only the finest, ripest, and most ridiculous stories of Robert John Falconer's life. Indeed, the challenge is not in the finding, it's in the sifting, as there are just so many ridiculous occurrences to choose from.
Today, for instance, I was driving along in my car as I sometimes do. Like in my previous story, it is very significant to this event that it was snowing. Scene:
The visibility is poor. The snow is less to blame than my completely ineffective windshield wipers, whose utter failure at wiping and propensity towards loud squeaking present a windshield wiping sin so foul that it would no doubt receive the death penalty if tried by a jury of it's peers.
It is late morning, and I am rushing to drop something off at a friend's house. Of the last twenty-four hours, I spent eight of them studying for a test that I am taking right after dropping this off. I also got about six hours sleep in the process. As a result, i'm more than a little crazy-eyed.
With visibility as it is, I see the street i'm looking for just a fraction delayed, and, without thinking, enter the turn. Ordinarily this would be about as remarkable as the autonomic process of blinking (which is to say, not very) as I am going all twenty-five miles an hour. Except, at this point, we should all recall with a gasp that it is, and has been, snowing.
My car (never being the type of automobile that dabbles in critical thought) obliges with my command and swings itself into the turn. Then, it keeps swinging. I end up completely sideways with my back tires up on the curb. Remarkably, I have hit nothing, and so I calmly turn and drive off.
Now, this street I just turned off of was a major thoroughfare, and I know that multiple people just saw me spin my car a complete ninety degrees. Just down the street is my friend's house, and so it is only a matter of some feet before I park. As I am getting ready to get out, I see out of the corner of my eyes a van pull up.
The driver waits until our eyes meet. He is an older gentlemen. I can see the dignified crinkles outlining his world-weary eyes. Once eye contact has been firmly established, he shakes his head back and forth. Crisply. A total of four times, all while mouthing the word "no" in the strongest tones of disapproval i've ever seen anyone mouth anything. Shoot, I didn't even know a tone could be mouthed.
I then proceed to die of laughter, content that the event had been stamped, sealed, and perfectly concluded.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Today I Dragged A Traffic Cone for Miles
No, seriously.
In front of our apartment, where we all park, there was a mysterious traffic cone. It blocked approximately 1/2 of a parking space, was the only traffic cone within sight, and had no apparent function.
Now, after a few days of this, I just accepted it's presence. Like a suddenly grown third arm, it's existence was strange for only a time before I started bringing scissors with me to cut a third hole before trying on clothes. Interestingly, it also seemed like no one wanted to remove it, despite the fact that it took up valuable parking space. It looked like an official sort of cone. What if it was there for a reason??
Enter the present, this morning, with twenty degree weather and four fresh inches of snow on the ground. I sigh upon seeing this, as the crucial five minutes required to wipe off the snow on my car will ruin my carefully timed departure. Knowing this, I wipe only the front and back window and take off like a giant, motorized snowball, determined to keep to my schedule. I have the route from my apartment to school mapped so precisely, it's nothing short of scientific, and I hate to have my fine instrumentation ruined by unexpected variables.
All this is quite important to note, as it explains what happens next. Driving along the familiar roads, I notice a scraping noise that intermittently sounds from beneath my car. For the first few minutes, I figure it is just some residual ice breaking off from the bottom. After a while, I start to get suspicious. I notice people reacting somewhat strangely as I pass them. And the noise isn't stopping as it should if it were just ice.
Finally, just as I am thinking I should stop and see what in the world is going on down there, a car pulls alongside me. At first, I am annoyed, because I am trying to change lanes in order to pull over and he is blocking me. Eventually I look at the driver, and see that the man is gesturing to the undercarriage of my car and saying something. I give him the "yeah, i'm on it" expression, and we arrive at a stop light. He pulls alongside me, rolls down his window, and, in a near impenetrable accent, says something like "You have a crone under your car! A crone!"
I have an old, cranky lady under my car?? No, clearly not. Let me pull over and end this silly affair once and for all! Wait a minute. Is that...the cone from outside our apartment?? Oh my. I DID park behind it last night and, when the snow fall obscured it, I simply drove forward over it. I then proceeded to drive with it trapped beneath my car (kind of remarkable, really) for over a mile.
It is still there on Howard street, at the corner of McCormic Blvd. I saw it on the way back, and felt a twang of guilt/pity.
Also, I felt a certain satisfaction. Too many cones without purpose get away with their crimes. This one didn't. This one experienced vigilante justice in the realist way possible: by being dragged by a car for miles.
In front of our apartment, where we all park, there was a mysterious traffic cone. It blocked approximately 1/2 of a parking space, was the only traffic cone within sight, and had no apparent function.
Now, after a few days of this, I just accepted it's presence. Like a suddenly grown third arm, it's existence was strange for only a time before I started bringing scissors with me to cut a third hole before trying on clothes. Interestingly, it also seemed like no one wanted to remove it, despite the fact that it took up valuable parking space. It looked like an official sort of cone. What if it was there for a reason??
Enter the present, this morning, with twenty degree weather and four fresh inches of snow on the ground. I sigh upon seeing this, as the crucial five minutes required to wipe off the snow on my car will ruin my carefully timed departure. Knowing this, I wipe only the front and back window and take off like a giant, motorized snowball, determined to keep to my schedule. I have the route from my apartment to school mapped so precisely, it's nothing short of scientific, and I hate to have my fine instrumentation ruined by unexpected variables.
All this is quite important to note, as it explains what happens next. Driving along the familiar roads, I notice a scraping noise that intermittently sounds from beneath my car. For the first few minutes, I figure it is just some residual ice breaking off from the bottom. After a while, I start to get suspicious. I notice people reacting somewhat strangely as I pass them. And the noise isn't stopping as it should if it were just ice.
Finally, just as I am thinking I should stop and see what in the world is going on down there, a car pulls alongside me. At first, I am annoyed, because I am trying to change lanes in order to pull over and he is blocking me. Eventually I look at the driver, and see that the man is gesturing to the undercarriage of my car and saying something. I give him the "yeah, i'm on it" expression, and we arrive at a stop light. He pulls alongside me, rolls down his window, and, in a near impenetrable accent, says something like "You have a crone under your car! A crone!"
I have an old, cranky lady under my car?? No, clearly not. Let me pull over and end this silly affair once and for all! Wait a minute. Is that...the cone from outside our apartment?? Oh my. I DID park behind it last night and, when the snow fall obscured it, I simply drove forward over it. I then proceeded to drive with it trapped beneath my car (kind of remarkable, really) for over a mile.
It is still there on Howard street, at the corner of McCormic Blvd. I saw it on the way back, and felt a twang of guilt/pity.
Also, I felt a certain satisfaction. Too many cones without purpose get away with their crimes. This one didn't. This one experienced vigilante justice in the realist way possible: by being dragged by a car for miles.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
School Restarts: A selection of images
1) Hey girl that I am attracted to in a purely physical and shallow way! Wait, what's that? You just answered your cell-phone with the phrase "holla at yer girl" and then proceeded to talk about how your boyfriend is "soo craazy"?
Drat. Even liberal application of pretending gel can't allow me to continue to be attracted to you.
2) Books purchased. Put in trunk. Keys in ignition. Realization:
The costs of these books alone are half of what I need to buy a scooter. You are such a jerk, higher education.
3) Why do people feel the need to throw things in urinals? Seriously, people.
4) I would tell you that it is rude to attempt to listen to your iPod in the back of the class, oh most clever of active slackers, but judging by the determined look on your face i'm relatively certain those iPod buds are fused to your ears.
No doubt it was some sort of tragic accident, and my bringing it up would only cause further anguish.
5) As much as I enjoy peeing on such an impressive assortment of things: what the crap? Does someone come in to the bathroom with a large bag of random crap, lock the door behind them, and then one by one toss it's content into the urinals with a solemn, self-satisfied look on their face? Perhaps while whispering "you never have loved me, mother"?
Drat. Even liberal application of pretending gel can't allow me to continue to be attracted to you.
2) Books purchased. Put in trunk. Keys in ignition. Realization:
The costs of these books alone are half of what I need to buy a scooter. You are such a jerk, higher education.
3) Why do people feel the need to throw things in urinals? Seriously, people.
4) I would tell you that it is rude to attempt to listen to your iPod in the back of the class, oh most clever of active slackers, but judging by the determined look on your face i'm relatively certain those iPod buds are fused to your ears.
No doubt it was some sort of tragic accident, and my bringing it up would only cause further anguish.
5) As much as I enjoy peeing on such an impressive assortment of things: what the crap? Does someone come in to the bathroom with a large bag of random crap, lock the door behind them, and then one by one toss it's content into the urinals with a solemn, self-satisfied look on their face? Perhaps while whispering "you never have loved me, mother"?
Friday, January 11, 2008
INTRODUCING: Five Scientifically Backed Reasons I'm Sometimes, Possibly, In The Right Lighting, Awesome
Or FSBRISPITRLA for short.
1) My last name wins. Falconer? I mean, come on. You are going to disagree, scoff at, and generally ridicule the rest of this list, but who can contest such a mighty last name?
2) I practice Capoeira (somewhat)regularly. This means I am prone to doing impressive stunts out of nowhere - an intrinsically awesome thing.
3) I use successive double negatives to buy time when asked tricky or poignant personal questions. Like:
"Well, i'm not, not embarrassed about making a list of five reasons why i'm awesome."
4) I believe in, and actively practice, Phrenology. This is actually not awesome, and is oft the subject of well deserved mockery.
5) When I was a kid, I use to walk around all the time with a bicycle helmet even though I didn't know how to ride a bicycle (I didn't learn until I was 9 or 10). This is also not awesome, but I just remembered it, and seriously five items in a list is too demanding.
Tune in next weekmonthdayrandompost for Five Reasons Why Everyone Who Is NOT Backed By Science Says I'm NOT Awesome. Or, again, FREEWANBBSSINA for short.
1) My last name wins. Falconer? I mean, come on. You are going to disagree, scoff at, and generally ridicule the rest of this list, but who can contest such a mighty last name?
2) I practice Capoeira (somewhat)regularly. This means I am prone to doing impressive stunts out of nowhere - an intrinsically awesome thing.
3) I use successive double negatives to buy time when asked tricky or poignant personal questions. Like:
"Well, i'm not, not embarrassed about making a list of five reasons why i'm awesome."
4) I believe in, and actively practice, Phrenology. This is actually not awesome, and is oft the subject of well deserved mockery.
5) When I was a kid, I use to walk around all the time with a bicycle helmet even though I didn't know how to ride a bicycle (I didn't learn until I was 9 or 10). This is also not awesome, but I just remembered it, and seriously five items in a list is too demanding.
Tune in next weekmonthdayrandompost for Five Reasons Why Everyone Who Is NOT Backed By Science Says I'm NOT Awesome. Or, again, FREEWANBBSSINA for short.
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